Jokes Us Intellectuals Will Understand

[noknojon]

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things, literally.

Pun is the wordplay with two meanings, one literal the other humorous. kleptomaniacs is someone who ‘take things’ (steal).

 

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What do you get when you cross an XXXX with a YYYY” is a common opening to a joke, leading the listener to prepare for the expected joke template and punchline. A rhetorical question is a question asked or stated to make a point, and not an actual inquiry with an expectation of an answer. The joke is that that sentence is a rhetorical question. So the answer is you don’t really get a joke, you just get a meaningless rhetorical question. Which is sort of funny, which actually does make it a joke.

 

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!” (easy solved)

Explanation: If any one of the three logicians does NOT want a beer, the answer to the bartender’s question is “No.” The first logician wants a beer, but doesn’t know whether his two friends do. So he says “I don’t know.” The second logician now knows that the first logician wants a beer, because if he didn’t he would have said no. And though he does want a beer, the he still doesn’t know whether the third logician wants a beer. So he says “I don’t know.” The third logician now knows that the first two logicians want beer, because otherwise one of them would have said no. So, as he also wants a beer, he now knows that all three logician wants a beer. So he can say “Yes.”

 

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”

Pascal is Newton over a square meter.

 

5. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

The difference is b/w un-ionized and union-ized.

 

6. 10. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
“Why did you buy 12 loaves of bread!?”, his wife screamed. Reply “Because they had eggs!”.......... Explains itself..........

 

7. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. ... And doesn’t. If you are very smart you do not need to read the spoiler ..

It refers to the famous Schrödinger’s experiment where he put the cat with a radioactive substance in a box. The experiment postulates that the cat can either be living or dead but we don’t know until we open the box.

 

I got pages of them, but Ron groans and Gonzo will not post any of his ........

[Malware_Killa]

I will be sure to use these in the nightclub, cheers! 

[noknojon]

I will be sure to use these in the nightclub, cheers! 

Only a small fee applies to use them as published, if I add to the list it becomes a larger fee  

 

But I jest ................

[yardbird]

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things, literally.

Pun is the wordplay with two meanings, one literal the other humorous. kleptomaniacs is someone who ‘take things’ (steal).

 

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What do you get when you cross an XXXX with a YYYY” is a common opening to a joke, leading the listener to prepare for the expected joke template and punchline. A rhetorical question is a question asked or stated to make a point, and not an actual inquiry with an expectation of an answer. The joke is that that sentence is a rhetorical question. So the answer is you don’t really get a joke, you just get a meaningless rhetorical question. Which is sort of funny, which actually does make it a joke.

 

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!” (easy solved)

Explanation: If any one of the three logicians does NOT want a beer, the answer to the bartender’s question is “No.” The first logician wants a beer, but doesn’t know whether his two friends do. So he says “I don’t know.” The second logician now knows that the first logician wants a beer, because if he didn’t he would have said no. And though he does want a beer, the he still doesn’t know whether the third logician wants a beer. So he says “I don’t know.” The third logician now knows that the first two logicians want beer, because otherwise one of them would have said no. So, as he also wants a beer, he now knows that all three logician wants a beer. So he can say “Yes.”

 

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”

Pascal is Newton over a square meter.

 

5. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

The difference is b/w un-ionized and union-ized.

 

6. 10. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

“Why did you buy 12 loaves of bread!?”, his wife screamed. Reply “Because they had eggs!”.......... Explains itself..........

 

7. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. ... And doesn’t. If you are very smart you do not need to read the spoiler ..

It refers to the famous Schrödinger’s experiment where he put the cat with a radioactive substance in a box. The experiment postulates that the cat can either be living or dead but we don’t know until we open the box.

 

I got pages of them, but Ron groans and Gonzo will not post any of his ........

 

 

   

[sman]

The Driver after getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

 

A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says' Can I join you?'

 

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, "I've lost an electron!
The 2nd atom replies, "Are you sure?"
Says the 1st atom, "I'm positive."

----------------------------------

 

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
system manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
still I sat there, doing spreadsheets.

Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the "save" command
and waited for the disk to store,
only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering,
long I sat there wond'ring, fearing
while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!"

One thing did the phosphors answer
only this and nothing more, just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling,
slowly toward the keyboard bending,
longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee,
timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted,
words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,
haunted, as my patience wore, saying,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted;
by my own machine accosted.
Getting up, I turned away,
and paced across the office poor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight:
a lightning bolt cut through the night.

A gasp of horror overtook me,
shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data,
lost and gone forevermore. Not even,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

[malbytes24]

On 1/8/2016 at 1:45 PM, noknojon said:

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things, literally.

Hidden Content

 

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Hidden Content

 

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!” (easy solved)

Hidden Content

 

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!”

Hidden Content

 

5. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

Hidden Content

 

6. 10. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
“Why did you buy 12 loaves of bread!?”, his wife screamed. Reply “Because they had eggs!”.......... Explains itself..........

 

7. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. ... And doesn’t. If you are very smart you do not need to read the spoiler ..

Hidden Content

 

I got pages of them, but Ron groans and Gonzo will not post any of his ........

i only got this one: " 4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found Pascal!” "

the rest i didn't get how the jokes would work. the one i got is because it tells me how the pun works.

7. is confusing, How the censored is radiation funny?

[gonzo]

You had to be there.....or not.