CAT PILL GIVING INSTRUCTIONS

[catscomputer]

1. Pick up cat and cradle in crook of left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws firmly. With left hand, force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly, with one hard while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep Royal Doulton figurines from hearth, and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel with head just visable from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,and force mouth open with pencil, blow down straw.

9. Check lable to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-aid to spouse's forearm, remove blood from carpet.

10. Fetch cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Ring fire brigade to get cat down from tree. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence, while swerving to avoid said cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to dining table find pruning glove from shed. Force open cat's mouth with spanner. Push pill in mouth followed by a large piece of steak and 2 litre of water to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency dept, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and arm and removes remains of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for R S P C A to collect cat, phone pet shop to see if they have any hampsters.

[exile360]

Note: If you failed to follow the first part of step 14, find a shoebox and dig very small grave in garden for hamster, or feed pill to hamster and leave cat alone with hamster out of cage. Hopefully the cat pill will still work on cat if swallowed by hamster, which is then swallowed by cat.

[catscomputer]

Note: If you failed to follow the first part of step 14, find a shoebox and dig very small grave in garden for hamster, or feed pill to hamster and leave cat alone with hamster out of cage. Hopefully the cat pill will still work on cat if swallowed by hamster, which is then swallowed by cat.

Knowing my cat, she'd eat the hampster and then spit the pill out!

[noknojon]

Ha Ha - Sounds like you got the former resident of this house that was traded when still a kitten -

The tropical fish I got during the trade-in cause enough problems -

If they don't take medication I pour into the tank they learn it's hard to swim in toilets -

[mona7865]

Now why does this sound familiar??? :)

[mountaintree16]

I've never had to give a pill to a cat but I imagine that it's not easy!

It was hard enough trying to give liquid medicine to a cat - we had to mix it in wet food heh.

[catscomputer]

Ha Ha - Sounds like you got the former resident of this house that was traded when still a kitten -

You too huh? I think most people with cats that are as nightmarish to medicate as our's will relate to this list!

*glances at hand with four iodine-covered puncture holes on it*