jokes 31

[dipper6]

Three citizens of the former Soviet Eastern Bloc - a Pole, a Czech, and a Jew - were accused of spying and were sentenced to death. Each man was granted one last wish.

"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Pilsudski," said the Pole.

"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Masaryk," said the Czech.

"And I," said the Jew, "want my ashes scattered over the grave of Comrade Kosygin."

"But that's impossible," he was told. "Kosygin isn't dead yet."

"Fine," said the Jew. "I can wait."

[dipper6]

A lion would never cheat on his wife...

But a tiger wood.

[dipper6]

English Tourist to local farmer. “Do you farm around here?”

“Yes”

“Have you lived here all your life?”

“Not yet”

[dipper6]

A drunk man hails a taxi and asks, “Hey cabby, take me to the Hilton.”

“You’re right in front of it,” says the cabby.

“Thanks mate,” says the drunk, “And next time don’t drive so bleedin’ fast.”

[dipper6]

Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink.

They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument. "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar,

"You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

[dipper6]

'So tell me, Mrs. Smith,' asked the interviewer, 'have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?'

'Actually, yes,' said the applicant modestly. 'Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.'

'Very impressive,' he commented, 'but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.'

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, 'Oh, that was during office hours.'

[dipper6]

I wanted to buy my son a drum kit today.

My wife said, "I couldn't stay in the house with that racket!"

I bought my son a drum kit today.

[dipper6]

At a launching of a ship an officer says to a rather ancient but still attractive lady, “How gracefully she goes down.”

“Yes she does,” says the old harlot,

“but if someone doused me with vintage champagne like that, I probably would too.”

[srtools1980y]

for #4.

[noknojon]

I bought my son a drum kit today

You need to be there -

[mountaintree16]

"You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."