Jokes

[srtools1980y]

Warn:

In Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope Died

In Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married (again)

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe(again)

3. Australia lost the Ashes (again)

4. Pope Died (again)

Moral of the story -

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry....

please warn the Pope.... !!

[srtools1980y]

Men are better friends...,

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next Morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's Apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend's and Only one of them confirm that.

Men : A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So The wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is

There with them!

[srtools1980y]

Newton in Romantic mood!

Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can be transferred from one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.

First Law: A boy in love with a girl, continues to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continues to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.

Second law: The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance.

Third Law: The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.

[srtools1980y]

The Wrong Answer

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

[srtools1980y]

Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

[srtools1980y]

Test Paper

One night four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The Dean was a just person so he said that you can have a retest after three days.

After 3 days they appeared before the dean and informed that they were ready to take test.

The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four were required to be in separate rooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days.

The test consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.

Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)

Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)

[srtools1980y]

This time sure

Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor?

Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out

of ten people die of the disease you have.

Yours is the tenth case I've treated.The others all died.

[srtools1980y]

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

[srtools1980y]

Why to dive?

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

[srtools1980y]

Heaven or Hell

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[srtools1980y]

Vacuum cleaner

A salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A lady answered

the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living

room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings

onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up in 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful

vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"

[srtools1980y]

e-mail from Dead Husband

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile..... somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached Safely

Date: 29th Oct, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was ...

[mountaintree16]

Men are better friends...,

[mountaintree16]

The Wrong Answer

[mountaintree16]

Why to dive?