jokes 20

[dipper6]

A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $2.40 for fast deliv-ery or $1.30 for slower service.

"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered within my lifetime."

The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be $2.40, please."

[dipper6]

School/Homework Excuses ...

* I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.

* I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

* A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.

* Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.

* Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.

* I'm not at liberty to say why.

* I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.

* It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.

* I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.

* I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

* My mum used it as a dryer sheet.

* My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.

* It's against my religion to do any homework.

* I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.

* I felt it wasn't challenging enough.

* My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.

* We had homework?!

* I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."

* I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

* I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.

[dipper6]

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there's no I in the word marriage."

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

[dipper6]

The last thought of a suicide bomber?

Never again.

[dipper6]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

[dipper6]

I've got gammon flu...

I did have swine flu but I went to the doctor and he cured me.

[dipper6]

The WWF advert asks, "When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?"

Well, swimming, I suppose.

[dipper6]

I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book- `101 ways to improve your confidence.`

I couldn't buy it though, the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

[dipper6]

Maurice is a successful stockbroker and just before he leaves his office for the day, he calls over one of his team. "As you know, Peter, tomorrow is the Jewish New Year and instead of coming in to work, I’ll be praying in my usual synagogue just around the corner to the office. But in my absence I need someone to watch over an important share for me. Will you do it for me?"

"Of course Maurice," replies Peter. "What’s the share and what should I be looking out fo

r?"

"Thank you," says Maurice. "I have 50,000 Royal Bank of Scotland shares which have just closed at 46.9p. If they go to 51p tomorrow, please sell all of them for me. If need be, you can always come in to the synagogue’s foyer and ask for me."

First thing next morning, the FTSE100 Index opens 120 points up and RBS shares quickly move to 55p. Peter doesn’t know what to do so he goes to the synagogue to ask Maurice for advice. When Maurice joins him outside, Peter says, "Sorry to disturb you but the FTSE has opened 120 points up and RBS shares opened at 55p.

The rumour is that RBS is on its way up to 65p. Do you want me to sell them now at 55p?"

Maurice replies, "No, not at 55p. RBS shares are already trading at 58p in the synagogue.

[dipper6]

Betty wakes up to a knock on her door. It’s 7am and it’s Mothers Day.

Then Betty’s two teenage children, Suzy and Paul, walk into her room with smiles on their faces and say to her, "Happy Mothers Day, mum.

Please don’t get up. As our treat to you, we want you to stay in bed and we’ll make breakfast."

Soon the smell of fried eggs and bacon wafts up into her room and Betty is now really looking forward to her breakfast in bed. But after 15 minutes have gone by and there is still no breakfast, Betty gets up and goes downstairs to investigate.

And there is Suzy and Paul sitting at the kitchen table finishing off their breakfast. And there’s nothing cooking. Betty looks at them both and says, "Well, what's with the breakfast?"

"We’ve already told you," replies Suzy. "It’s our surprise for Mothers Day. We decided to make our own breakfast this morning."

[dipper6]

Q: Why did God make man before woman?

A: To give him enough time to think of an answer to her first question.

[dipper6]

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."

[dipper6]

A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets some of his mates in the pub, who ask how his holiday was...

"Had a great time" then one of his mates asks "Why have you got a leg missing?"

The cannibal replies,

"It was a self catering holiday!"

[dipper6]

Definition of pressure:

A wife, a mistress and a mortgage.

All one month late……

[srtools1980y]

I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book- `101 ways to improve your confidence.`

I couldn't buy it though, the guy at the till would have laughed at me.