jokes 18

[dipper6]

Minnie and Max had been married for 18 years. As Minnie grew older and less attractive, Max be-came disinterested, and his libido started to wane dramatically. In desperation, Minnie hauled him before a marriage counsellor. The marriage counsellor listened patiently to Minnie's complaints and to Max's protestations. Max said he was being nagged unmercifully. Minnie said that Max was causing her anguish.

Finally the marriage counsellor issued a verdict. "Max," he said, "from now on, no matter how you feel, you must give Minnie her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. "

Minnie was delighted, and they left the counsellor's chambers. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max, asking, "Tell me, Max, how many times a week is semi-annually?

[dipper6]

Let me see if I understand all this....

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFI-NITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.

BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U. S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, AND FREE HEALTH CARE?

Oh well sure. That makes sense.

[dipper6]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde steward-ess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin: "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Or-leans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are, and

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[dipper6]

"There’s a salesman outside with a young lady."

"Tell him I’ll take one."

-------------------------------------

Wine does not make you FAT

it makes you LEAN...

....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

[dipper6]

Murphy lived next door to McTavish, one a Catholic the other a Protestant, but they were good neighbours.

One day McTavish, looking at his five kids, said to Murphy: "You Catholics don’t use birth con-trol, yet you’ve got no kids and I’ve got five."

"We use the Safe Period," explained Murphy.

"Never heard of it," said McTavish. "What’s the Safe Period?"

"Every second Tuesday when you go to Lodge," said Murphy.

[dipper6]

Why is it that a fly can get into my house through the tiniest crack in the door but can't get out through an open window?

[dipper6]

The rich Sultan of Istanbul was dying from a disease that baffled the medical world for months before they discovered that only a blood transfusion would save his life.

It was a rare blood group and a search throughout the globe revealed that there was only one man who could match the sultan’s blood group. It was Jock McTavish from the Highlands.

Jock donated the blood. It saved the sultan’s life and shortly afterwards Jock received a gift of $5000.

Two years later the sultan had a relapse and Jock was asked to supply more of his unique blood. Again the sultan recovered and soon after Jock received a gift of $2000.

When the sultan fell ill for the third time Jock once again came to the rescue with more Celtic blood. The sultan recovered and sent Jock a thank-you note.

[dipper6]

I've just been fired by Pepsi.

I tested positive for Coke.

[dipper6]

I used to run a dating agency for chickens.

But I was struggling to make hens meet.

[dipper6]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[dipper6]

The young Scotsman’s delight was obvious as the train pulled into Victoria Station.

"First time in London?" Enquired the passenger opposite.

"Aye," said Scotty, "and I am on my honeymoon."

The passenger looked surprised. "Then where is your wife?"

"Oh, she’s been here before," said Scotty.

[dipper6]

He asked her for a dance and while he held her close he whispered: "Would you like to have breakfast with me tomorrow morning?"

She replied tentatively: Sounds nice."

"Will I phone you, or nudge you?" he said.

[dipper6]

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were on the Titanic when she struck the iceberg.

As she started to sink the purser shouted: "We are about to meet our Maker. We’d better do something religious."

The Englishman said a prayer. The Irishman sang a hymn. The Scot took up a collection.

[dipper6]

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man no-ticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:

the violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly.. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without ex-ception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:

The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while.. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theatre in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. The questions raised: in a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.... How many other things are we missing?

[dipper6]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love..

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's won-derful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

[dipper6]

A cargo ship carrying yo-yos has hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic.

So far it has sunk sixty three times.

[srtools1980y]

Why is it that a fly can get into my house through the tiniest crack in the door but can't get out through an open window?

Because it does'nt have 6th sense I think.