Jokes 4

[dipper6]

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.

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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

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Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

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[dipper6]

Several Ways to Say that Somebody Is Dumb

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Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few Cokes short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

No grain in the silo.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little farther apart than most.

The lift doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

A few slices short of a loaf.

[dipper6]

To. Flight Centre Central.

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers

are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously

have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain

on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around

watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad

tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send

me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which

does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night

in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get

here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,

which is...oh forget it.

Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings

Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year

round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense

rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled

and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I

forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop

out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go

out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.

Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[dipper6]

How Dumb are You??

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Let's see how dumb you are with this little test...

1) If it takes twenty minutes to hard-boil one goose egg,

how long will it take to hard-boil four goose eggs?

20 minutes, 4 eggs can be boiled at the same time.

2) Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?

....Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

3) Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

.....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.

4) Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?

....No. He must be dead if it is his widow.

5) Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.

What do you get?

..... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

6) A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half

an hour. How long will the pills last?

......One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at

1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour

has passed.

7) A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are

left?

..... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.

A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?

..... Meat ... that is self-explanatory.

[dipper6]

Ding a Ling

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A young man dials the cell phone of a friend. After a few rings, the recorded voice tells him that his friend is not available at that he should leave a message after the tone.

The tone sounds, and the man says, "Joe, if you are looking for your cell phone, you left it at my house last night."

[dipper6]

Bob, a good looking guy ,walks into a sport's bar around 9.58pm .

He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the t.v . The 10.00 o'clock new's was just coming on .

The new's crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump .

The blonde looks at Bob and say's , "Do you think he'll jump ?"

Bob say's ,"You know what, I bet he will "

The blonde replied ,Well i bet he won't." Bob placed $20 on the bar and said ," Your on ! ".

just as the blonde placed her $20 on the bar ,the guy did a swan dive off the building , falling to his death .

The blonde was very upset and handed her money to Bob and said "fair is fair ".

Here's your money . "

Bob replies , "I can't take your money , I saw this earlier on the 5 o 'clock new's and i knew he would jump . "

The blonde replies , "I did too , but i didn't think he'd do it again".

[dipper6]

The lost chapter of Genesis

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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make,

and she will not nag you.

She will always be the first to admit she was wrong

when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children,

and never ask you to get up

in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely

give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

[dipper6]

"Beer"

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Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth

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An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with the fools in his life.

Ernest Hemingway

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Paul Hornung

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24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

H.L. Mencken

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When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we

fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

G! eorge Bernard Shaw

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Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Benjamin Franklin

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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Dave Barry

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Beer: helping white guys dance, since 1632.

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Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group. Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

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[noknojon]

----------- Bu@@er you dipper -

I am now one hour late and the wife is still yelling at me - You could have spread them over a week -

Who could stop at just the first one !!!!! --------

Now I need to waste many sheets of paper just to print these out -- Still can't stop -

[dipper6]

There are plenty more to come.

Yep, I'll spread them out, this is what I wanted to know though I know I didn't ask for it.

I'm all for jokes, a good laugh does a person a lot of good.

Thanks for that.

[noknojon]

a good laugh does a person a lot of good.

I agree 100% - I just can't show them all to my wife (wife jokes) or my sister (blonde jokes) -

But I love them - It must be a good book - Keep them coming at your own pace , thanks -