A few (some a bit old like me) one-liners

[noknojon]

My turn to update this with a few "outdated" one-liners ..

 

Warning : Side effects may include:
Depression, weight gain and loss of sex drive.
Ask your Doctor if marriage is right for you.

 

I asked my landlord how could I stop water coming into the apartment.
His advice "Don't pay the bill"

 

Just because I don't like soap,  there's no need to rub it in my face!

 

Q. How can you tell the sex of an ant?
A. Drop it in water. If it sinks it's a girl ant. If it floats it's a boy ant.:(Buoyant!)

 

 

I have decided to sell my old vacuum cleaner, it's just collecting dust
I dunno if it's worth it man, your vacuum kinda sucks.

 

We hired an Eastern European to clean our very small house. It took six hours just for her to Hoover the kitchen.
Turns out she's a Slovak.

 

Rapper 50 cent files for bankruptcy has to change name to 0 cents
More money than sense (cents) ??
A bit self - 'cent'red !
If he were British, would his name be 50p ?

 

How do you make a cat go woof ??
Pour petrol over it and set it alight. Woof
How do you make a dog meow ????
Freeze it and put it on a band saw ..... MMEEOOOOWW!!

 

Knock knock:
Who's there ?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who ?
So you've forgotten me already ?

 

 

An American friend of mine was boasting "I once killed a bear with a single punch"
I objected with "A koala isn't a bear!"

 

You can tell from these that I am not feeling too good lately, so I wanted to keep posting (might give up smoking cigars)

 

Don't read the ones that you do not like, and donations are taken for any good ones -

What's that, you took my PayPal button away

 

Later friends -

[malbytes24]

On 7/13/2015 at 10:33 PM, noknojon said:

My turn to update this with a few "outdated" one-liners ..

 

Warning : Side effects may include:
Depression, weight gain and loss of sex drive.
Ask your Doctor if marriage is right for you.

 

I asked my landlord how could I stop water coming into the apartment.
His advice "Don't pay the bill"

 

Just because I don't like soap,  there's no need to rub it in my face!

 

Q. How can you tell the sex of an ant?
A. Drop it in water. If it sinks it's a girl ant. If it floats it's a boy ant.:(Buoyant!)

 

 

I have decided to sell my old vacuum cleaner, it's just collecting dust
I dunno if it's worth it man, your vacuum kinda sucks.

 

We hired an Eastern European to clean our very small house. It took six hours just for her to Hoover the kitchen.
Turns out she's a Slovak.

 

Rapper 50 cent files for bankruptcy has to change name to 0 cents
More money than sense (cents) ??
A bit self - 'cent'red !
If he were British, would his name be 50p ?

 

How do you make a cat go woof ??
Pour petrol over it and set it alight. Woof
How do you make a dog meow ????
Freeze it and put it on a band saw ..... MMEEOOOOWW!!

 

Knock knock:
Who's there ?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who ?
So you've forgotten me already ?

 

 

An American friend of mine was boasting "I once killed a bear with a single punch"
I objected with "A koala isn't a bear!"

 

You can tell from these that I am not feeling too good lately, so I wanted to keep posting (might give up smoking cigars)

 

Don't read the ones that you do not like, and donations are taken for any good ones -

What's that, you took my PayPal button away

 

Later friends -

laughed so hard. nice jokes