jokes 22

[dipper6]

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch'"

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support'"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you'"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed'"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder'"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show' How did you get this cup holder' Does it have any trademark on it'"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

[dipper6]

Excuses for Being Late for Work

"Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'."

"I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on."

"We're *open* on Tuesdays'!'"

"It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit."

"I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge."

"My proctologist got stuck."

"I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction."

"Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out on crystal meth as I am."

"Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humourless baboon for a boss."

"Heidi Klum refused to untie me."

"On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial- strength anti-canker sore gel."

"I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts."

"It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning... Sir."

"My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by 'my dog' I mean your wife, and by 'ate my presentation' I mean 'was bonking me'."

"These are not the 'droids you're looking for."

[dipper6]

Joshua is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he bumps into his friend Sam outside Pavins the jewellers.

Sam has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "Hi Sam," says Joshua, "what have you been buying, may I ask'"

"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Sam, "it's my Miriam's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said, 'Oh, I'll leave it up to you, darling, but how about something with lots of diamonds in it.'"

"So tell me already, what did you buy her'" asks Joshua.

"I bought her two packs of Bridge cards," replies Sam

[dipper6]

Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven't seen each other for many years.

"So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel'" asks Arnold.

"Well," replies Lionel, "I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year."

"Lucky old you," says Arnold, "so what do you do with yourself all day'"

"I get up late each morning," replies Lionel, "have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again."

"Wow," says Arnold, "that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon."

When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold's story, Naomi asks, "Did he tell you his wife's name'"

"I'm not sure," replies Arnold, "but I think it's Veranda."

[dipper6]

Sam and Leah, both in their 80's, are discussing the possibility of getting married.

Leah says, "If I marry you, Sam, I'll want to keep my au pair. She's fantastic."

"That's OK with me," replies Sam.

"And I'll also want to keep my Lexus," Leah continues.

"That's also fine with me. It won't be a problem," says Sam.

"And not only that," says Leah, "I'll want to have sex 6 times a week, without fail."

"That's no problem with me," says Sam. "Put me down for Mondays."

[dipper6]

Avrahom and Rivkah are quite worried about their 30 year old son Jacob. They're a Chassidic family and they feel that Jacob should have found a wife by now and had many children. So one day, Avrahom announces, "I've been in touch with a shadchen to help us find a wife for our Jacob, and he's coming here tonight."

"Oy vay," says Jacob.

The shadchen arrives and immediately starts asking questions to enable him to find the right kind of daughter-in-law. At the end of his visit, the shadchen says to them, "You've answered my questions and I've been able to put together a 'shopping list' of your requirements. I know what you want."

"So do you have someone who meets our requirements'" asks Avrahom, hopefully.

"I think I might have the perfect woman," replies the shadchen. "I'll be back tomorrow night with some news."

The next night, the shadchen returns and with a smile announces, "What a wonderful woman I've found."

"So make with the details, already," says Avrahom.

"Well," says the shadchen, "I think this woman will be perfect for Jacob. She's the right age; she keeps a Glatt Kosher home; she attends shul regularly; she davens by heart; she just adores children and wants to raise a large family; she's a marvellous cook; and on top of all that, she's very, very beautiful."

On hearing this, Avrahom and Rivkah begin to discuss the prospects of an early wedding. But then Jacob, who up to now has remained silent, asks the shadchen, "Is she also good in bed'"

The shadchen thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well Jacob, some say yes...and some say no."

[dipper6]

A sweet little old lady surprised the young social worker that was interviewing her when she volunteered, " Of course I believe in sex on the first date. "

"That's pretty modern thinking for an 80-year-old woman," the social worker commented.

"Well honey, you know one can never be sure of having a the second date with these old guys!"

[dipper6]

A dad walks into a market with his young son.

The kid is holding a 50 pence piece.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realises the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor'"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue" (They are Income tax people)

[dipper6]

What's the definition of an optimist'

A folk musician with a mortgage.

-----------------------------------

Where Would You Be ...

If - You Had All The Money Your Heart Desires'

If - You Had No Worries'

If - You Came Home And The Finest Meal Is Awaiting You

If - Your Bathwater Had Been Run'

If - You Had The Perfect Kids'

If - Your Partner Was Awaiting You, With Open Arms And Kisses'

So, Where Would You Be'

You'd Be In The Wrong Blasted House ...

[dipper6]

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled, and feeling embarrassed she changed her seat.

But it was to no avail, for the young man smiled even more broadly when she sat down.

Again she moved to another seat, he grinned and again after the fourth move, the young man just rolled up and roared with laughter.

The woman complained and duly summoned him.

Judge: Well, young man, have you anything to say in your defence against this charge'

The young man: Well, your Honour, when the young lady entered the bus, her condition was obvious.

However, that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advertisement that read: "Coming shortly - The Gold Rush Twins."

The lady seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advertisement, which read: "William's stick did the trick."

She moved a third time and sat beneath a poster that read: "Sloane's liniments will remove swelling." It was after she had moved her seat fourth time that I lost control of my merriment for the above was a slogan: "Dunlop Rubber Goods would have prevented this accident."