jokes 8

[dipper6]

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child with the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

1. Don't change horses ... until they stop running.

2. Strike while the ... bug is close.

3. Its always darkest before ... Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.

7. No news is ... impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ... maths

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ... stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ... me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ... pigs

13. An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's ... pollution.

15. Happy the bride who ... gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ... not much.

17. Two's company, three's ... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none as blind as ... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one is

25. Better late than ... pregnant.

[dipper6]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender: "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me

is 6'2", weighs 225 and he is a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5", pushing 300 lbs and he's a wrestler.

Each one of us is blonde. Think about it mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind guy says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times."

[dipper6]

Elections can be very boring, though. In one campaign meeting the candidate droned on and on, until eventually someone in the audience threw a bottle at him.

Unfortunately it missed and hit the chairman -- who, as he sank dazed to the floor, was heard to say:

"Hit me again, I can still hear the idiot."

[dipper6]

The following are genuine extracts of letters received by the MINISTRY OF LABOUR (SOUTH AFRICA) from people enquiring after money on the grounds of hardship. They are exact copies as they were received. Neither the wording nor the spelling has been altered.

1. I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday. I will be glad if you get me a pension. If you don't hurry up I will have to get public resistance.

2. I am enclosing my marriage certificate with three children. One of then is a mistake as you can see when you look into it. I am writing to say my youngest son is born two years old. Why not getting allowances for it.

3. I am enclosing certificate with six childran. One of them twins died. You asked if he is christened: yes he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain Captain in the Salvation Army.

4. The man I live with won't work and he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you please search through your records office for him and let me know.

5. In accordance with your Instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

6. I want money as badly as quisk as you can send it. I have been in bed under the doctor for weeks and he doesn't seem to be doing me any good. If things don't improve I shall have another doctor.

7. Milk is needed for my baby. Father is unable to supply it.

8. Re your dental enquiry, the teeth at the top are still alright, but the ones in my bottom are hurting me terrible.

9. Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby 2 month old and did not know about it until the neighbour told me.

10. My son is unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe.

[dipper6]

A guy has a boil on his ass. He goes to his GP, his doctor, and the doctor says, "There's nothing I can do. I'm gonna refer you to a private doctor. It looks to me like you should go, because this thing could get infected."

So, he goes to this private doctor and the private doctor looks and says, "Gee, there's nothing that I can do. This thing is out of control, but I know this specialist you should go to."

He refers him to this specialist. The specialist has a look. The specialist is appalled. He says, "OK. There's nothing I can do, but I can refer you to this one guy who I think might be able to help you" and he writes the name down.

The guy follows this address. It takes him down to these docks.

He's wandering around these docks and he finds this old wooden door with a name.

It says on the front "Peter Puss-sucker."

He opens it up and there's this guy in there who has one tooth.

He says, "Let me have a look."

The guy pulls down his pants and there's this huge boil on his ass.

He says, "That's fine. Bend over. What I'm going to do is bite into this boil and I'm gonna suck out the poison... It's the only thing we can do."

So, he bends over and the guy bites into it and is sucking the poison out.

The guy can't help it, he farts in his face.

Pete stands up and says, "Jesus, man! Blokes like you make this job disgusting!!!"

[dipper6]

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals..!" He mused to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him and ran away as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped, fell to the ground and rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!" Time stopped! The bear froze! The forest was silent!

Then a really bright light shone upon the man, a huge voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? How am I to count you as a believer ..?"

The atheist squinted directly into the light and shouted: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well!" snapped the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen..."

[dipper6]

First Class Insults ...

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Your so narrow minded when you walk your earrings knock together.

Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

[dipper6]

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump.

Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know anyting about cars!"

[dipper6]

Words women use

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Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

[dipper6]

Tesco are Super Markets in the UK.

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One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike: "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies: "there's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points too."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. So, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

***Tesco Diagnostics***

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

***Thank you for shopping at Tesco***