Jokes 7

[dipper6]

Cough Syrup

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The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily

against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to

get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave

him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a

laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's

afraid to cough!!

[dipper6]

Senior Carjacking

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I can't verify this, take it as it is...

This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota,

Florida...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her

car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Shedropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to

scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to

use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran

like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags

into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so

shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and

tried, and then it dawned on her why... For the same reason she did not

understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer

in the front seat!

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces

farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police

station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He

pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were

reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,

less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a

large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!!!!!

[dipper6]

STRAINS OF COMPUTER VIRUSES

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The Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of Mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but Will Be Back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then Slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't Care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt

[dipper6]

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport.

Tania headed for the British-passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigner's line.

When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.

"That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."

[dipper6]

Walter Raleigh & Tobacco~from Bob Newhart

Yeh?... who is it, Frank?... Sir Walter Raleigh?... yeh?... yeh, put him on, will you!

Hey, Harry... you wanna pick up the extension?... yeh!... it's nutty Walter again!

Hi, Walter baby... how are you, guy?... how's everything going?... oh, things are fine here, Walt!

Did we get the what?... oh!, the boat load of turkeys... yeh! they arrived fine Walt... as a matter of fact they're still here, they're wonderin' all over London... well, y'see, that's an American holiday, Walt!!!

What you got for us this time, Walt... you got another winner for us? Tob-acco... er, what's tob-acco, Walt?

It's a kind of leaf, huh?... and you bought eighty tonnes of it?!!... Let me get this straight, Walt... you've bought eighty tonnes of leaves?... This may come as a kind of a surprise to you Walt but... come fall in England, we're kinda upto our...

It isn't that kind of leaf, huh?... Oh!, what kind is it then... some special kind of food?... not exactly?... Oh, it has a lot of different uses... Like... what are some of the uses, Walt?...

Are you saying 'snuff', Walt?... What's snuff?... You take a pinch of tobacco... (ha ha ha)... and you shove it up your nose... (ha ha ha)... and it makes you sneeze?... (ha ha ha)... Yeh, I imagine it would, Walt! Hey, Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here!

It has other uses though, huh?... you can chew it!... Or put it in a pipe!... or you can shred it up... and put it in a piece of paper... (ha ha ha)... and roll it up... (ha ha ha)... don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me... (ha ha ha)... you stick it in your ear, right? (ha ha ha)...

Oh!... between your lips!... Then what do you do, Walt?... (ha ha ha)... you set fire to it!... (ha ha ha)

Then what do you do, Walt?... (ha ha ha)... You inhale the smoke, huh!... (ha ha ha)

You know, Walt... it seems you can stand in front of your own fireplace and have the same thing going for you!

You see, Walt... we've been a little worried about you, y'know, ever since you put your cape down over that mud. Y'see, Walt... I think you're gonna have rather a tough time selling people on sticking burning leaves in their mouths... It's going very big over there, is it?...

What's the matter, Walt?... you spilt your what?... your coff-ee?.

What's coffee, Walt?... that's a drink you make out of beans, huh?... (ha ha ha)... that's going over very big there, too, is it?...

A lot of people have a cup of coffee right after their first cigarette in the morning, huh?... Is that what you call the burning leaves, Walt?... cigarettes?...

I tell you what, Walt!, why don't you send us a boatload of those beans, too!

If you can talk people into putting those burning leaves in their mouthes... they've gotta go for those beans, Walt!... right?

Listen, Walt... don't call us... we'll call you!...

G'bye!

===========================

that was recorded many years ago by bob Newhart, though The Driving Instructor was the big seller for him.

[dipper6]

Whenever Freda goes shopping, she carefully scrutinizes everything she buys and always battles to get the best deals. Today is the turn of the local delicatessen. As soon as she enters the shop, she looks around and puts a few items in her trolley. Then she goes over to the cash desk and says to the owner, "I don't like the look of this whitefish of yours."

"Lady," says the owner, "if you're buying for looks, then don't buy whitefish. Buy goldfish instead."

"Clever doesn?t suit you," she replies sarcastically, "but I'll take it."

Then pointing to the chicken in her basket, she says, "And what about this here chicken, it has a broken leg."

"Look lady," says the owner, "do you want to eat it or dance with it?"

"Ha Ha, very funny you're not," says Freda. "OK. But before you weigh the chicken, I want you to take out the bones."

"Listen lady," says the owner, "Because I buy with bones, you'll buy with bones."

"But I never pay for chicken with bones," says Freda.

"OK," says the owner, "no bones, then," as he starts removing the bones.

"Thank you," says Freda smiling, "you're a mensh.

Now put the bones in a separate bag for soup. Oh'and never mind the flesh - I don't like your chicken anyway."

[dipper6]

Jeremy and Nathan meet in the Post Office whilst they queue for their pensions. Nathan says, "Did you hear what happened to Hymie Himmelfarb?"

"You mean Hymie Himmelfarb with the smokers cough?" asks Jeremy.

"Yes, that's the one," replies Nathan.

"Hymie Himmelfarb with the gout and double hernia?" asks Jeremy.

"Yes, that?s him, Jeremy," replies Nathan.

"Hymie Himmelfarb with the blotchy skin and who?s always fainting?" asks Jeremy.

"Yes, him, but alright with the questions already," replies Nathan.

"No, I didn't hear about Hymie Himmelfarb," says Jeremy. "So what happened to Hymie?"

"He died yesterday," replies Nathan.

"Oy vey! And he was such a healthy man," says Jeremy.

[dipper6]

A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.

The boy replied, 'six and seven-eighths.'

The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, 'they just picked it out of a hat.'

[dipper6]

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore!... He is!"

[dipper6]

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.

They are:

a. Apple b. Banana c. Strawberry d. Peach e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples

b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas

c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries

d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches

e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfilment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquillity and all that other profound stuff.

Also I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my ass. Well, you won't find me....because I am still hunting down the person who sent this to me..........