Jokes 6

[dipper6]

I made right mess up, I had to install an image I made of my Windows, naturally

I forgot to move the jokes list from C:\ desktop to another partition.

Anyway I had a look in the jokes I did have in another partition, some I found in the jokes threads I posted here.

These jokes here I'm not sure of, I did a quick look at my posts here and didnt see them

but that doesn't mean that they are not here, I just didn't have enough time to

look at every joke.

If these were posted I'm very sorry, it was not intentional.

_____________________________________________________________________

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most

unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about

50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a line of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is bad time to disturb you, but I've never

seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her"

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife

when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

[dipper6]

The New Boss - True

-------------------------

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before

getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelory-Metal & Steel, feeling it was time for a

shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all Slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Pizza Hut!"

[dipper6]

A dying Priest

------------------

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the Nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy," I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy's hand in his right hand and Harry's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

[dipper6]

Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester.

The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower and says, "HELP,HELP! Easter, News Years Eve, Bank holiday Monday, Pancake Tuesday, Halloween, Bonfire night !".

A voice comes back and says, " For gods sake Paddy, it's Mayday ".

[dipper6]

RETIREMENT BONUS

------------------------------------

The Navy found they had

20 too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a

bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my t********s.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,

explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your t*******s?'

The old Chief calmly replied,' Vietnam'.

[dipper6]

Holy Communion

Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion.

When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you, the prune juice will!"

[dipper6]

A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

"As you didn't kill this protected species intentionally, I don't intend to send you to prison", the judge says. "However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal".

"For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10". Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgment; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. "Your Honor", he says, "With the greatest respect, I believe you've made a mistake in your calculations".

"We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds". "Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000".

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, "I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animal's weight, minus its two front paws".

Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, "but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?"

"Because", the judge replies, "Every American has the right to bear arms!"

[dipper6]

Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.

As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"

[dipper6]

In a biology and science class the teacher asks the young pupils:’ who can tell me what the chicken gives us?’

One of the pupils waved his hand, ‘yes Jimmy’

‘The chicken gives eggs’

‘Very good Jimmy’ said the teacher ‘and what the pig gives?’

John raised his hand and says:’ Pork chops’

‘That’s right’ says the teacher ‘and what the sheep gives?’

Sara raised her hand:’ Wool and lamb chops’

The teacher very pleased with her class asked; ‘and what does the cow give?’

Johnny raises his hand and shouts:’ homework’

[dipper6]

TRUE

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my Spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"