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Tech Support: "Ok, now type 'C D space backslash'."

Customer: "Um, can you repeat that?"

Tech Support: "Yes, 'C D space backslash'."

Customer: "'C P'?"

Tech Support: "No, 'C D'."

Customer: "Ok, 'C D slash backspace'."

Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."

Customer: "'C D slash space backspace'."

Tech Support: "No, 'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."

Customer: "'C D slash backspace'."

Tech Support: "'C D SPACE BACKSLASH'."

Customer: "'C D space backslash'."

I work at the help desk of a university.

Student: "Um, yes, I'm using Powerpoint to prepare some slides for class tomorrow, and I wanted to know if there is a way to copy and paste a background from slide to slide."

Me: "Yes. In order to change the background image to a color or picture, all you need to do is right-click, select Background, and then select a color, image, or background effect to use. It'll let you select if you want the background to fill this slide or multiple ones as well."

Student: (dead silence) "That's too many clicks. I don't have time to click six times to get a background. All I want to do is copy and paste."

Me: "Unfortunately, Powerpoint doesn't do it that way, sir."

Student: "Yeah, well, I want to copy and paste, so it should. Could I fill a slide with enough text to turn it black? Then I could copy and paste it instead. I only want two slides black anyway. I just don't have the time for this many clicks."

Me: "As far as I know you can't do that, sorry. Maybe one day Microsoft will employ that particular feature but not yet. You could always email them a formal suggestion for it, though."

Student: "I just might do that."

Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"

Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."

Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?"

Customer: "Oh. Ok."

Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?"

Customer: "The mouse?"

My Friend: "Yesterday, I reprogrammed my computer."

Me: "Okay...."

My Friend: "Not my Mac, but my PC. It has Windows Vista."

Me: "Yes, and what language did you use?"

My Friend: (pause) "English."

Me: "English?"

My Friend: "Yeah, English."

Me: “[Company] tech support, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don’t want one.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “It’s giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.”

Me: “Read the message to me please.”

Caller: “Error: Python required to run script.”

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I am entering a software registration key. I do not know how to enter a backwards ‘E’.”

Me: “For a game?”

Customer: “Yes, for registering a game. It’s a product registration number on the manual. A backwards ‘E’.”

Me: “Are you sure it’s not a ‘3’?”

Caller: “I am a year behind on the current week. How do I close the week?”

Me: “I can help you with that. You go to ‘File’, then ‘Close current week’.”

Caller: “I don’t have ‘File’.”

Me: “Hmm…then you must not have access to this function. Can you log in as the supervisor?”

Caller: “I am logged in as the supervisor.”

Me: “You’re sure you don’t have ‘File’? It should be listed at the top right.”

Caller: “Let me tell you what have. I have ‘File’, ‘View’, ‘Employee’, ‘Period’-”

Me: “That’s it there. Please choose ‘File’.”

Caller: “I don’t have ‘File’.”

Me: “But, you just said you had ‘File’.”

Caller: “No, it’s not there.”

Me: “Please call out what you have again at the top.”

Caller: “I have ‘File’, ‘View’, ‘Emplo’-”

Me: “That’s it. You have ‘File’. Please choose ‘File’ from the top left.”

Caller: *frustrated* “But, I don’t have ‘File’! I already told you!”

Me: *clears throat* “Please read out what you have again. Very…slowly.”

Caller: “Okay. I have ‘File’, Vi-”

Me: “Stop there, please. What was that?”

Caller: “I have Fi-”

Me: “You have ‘File’?”

Caller: “I have ‘File’.”

(I pause, hoping this allows the caller to get it.)

Caller: “Oh, you mean THIS ‘File’!”

Me: *cheerily* “Yes!”

Caller: “I click on this one?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Caller: “Oh, that’s the one! Thank you so much!”

(An older gentlemen calls the technical support line. He’s whispering.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [internet service provider]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “There’s an armadillo on my porch.”

Me: “I am sorry sir, did I hear you correctly? You said you have an armadillo on your porch?”

Caller: “Yes, it just keeps staring me down through the patio door.”

Me: “Sir, have you tried calling animal control?”

Caller: “There’s no time for that! I am deathly allergic to armadillos.”

(There is a long pause while I try to figure out what I can possibly say next.)

Me: “Sir, I understand you are frightened. But, you do know this is [internet service provider] you are calling?”

Caller: “Of course! My grandson sent this to me. I downloaded it with your internet!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Caller: “My grandson mailed this to me with your internet this morning.”

Me: “Sir, I do not mean to offend you. But, I am going to repeat what’s going on, so I can better understand the situation. Your grandson sent you an image this morning in your email of an armadillo. And now that same armadillo is on your porch, staring you down?”

Caller: “Yes! That’s what I’ve been telling you this whole time!”

Me: “Sir, the internet does not work that way. The armadillo on your porch was not placed there by us. You need to call animal control.”

Caller: “I guess getting [internet service provider] to help me was too much to ask for!” *hangs up*

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Hehe, glad you liked them Comprev :D

Here are some others that made me laugh:

Client: “My printer keeps printing junk.”

Me: “You have to turn off the computer and the printer, then turn on the computer first.”

Client: “Okay.”

*pause*

Client: “It’s still wrong.”

Me: “Did you restart the computer first?”

Client: “No.”

Me: “Why not?”

Client: “The computer is too far away. It saves time if I just turn the printer off and on.”

Me: “That won’t fix the problem.”

Client: “I don’t see why not. I don’t have time to go back and forth.”

(We go through the procedure several times, with the client short cutting the directions each time.)

Me: “Okay, I think I know what to do. There is bad data in your cable.”

Client: “Oh. How do I get it out?”

Me: “First, turn everything off. Then disconnect the cable.”

Client: “Okay.”

Me: “Lay the cable out in the hall. Then pick up one end and shake the cable two or three times. Shake it very hard.”

Client: “Just a minute.”

(Time passes with strange noises coming through the phone. The client comes back on out of breath.)

Client: “OK, I did it.”

Me: “Good. Now reconnect the cable to the printer and then connect it to the computer. Then turn everything on.”

Client: “That did it! Thanks!”

(About a year later, one of our trainers called to tell a funny story about the client who insisted on shaking the cable whenever the printer messed up. She said it was, ‘To get rid of the bad data’. I kept my mouth shut.)

_____________

Me: “Okay, so we’re just going to need your phone number before I can go any further.”

Caller: “Okay, it’s **** ****.”

Me: “…and your area code?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “What state are you in?”

Caller: “Say again?”

Me: “What state?”

Caller: “Sober?”

_______________

(I am helping an elderly caller troubleshoot her computer issue, and I ask her to unplug her router. I hear a strange noise, after which her voice sounds very distant.)

Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

Me: “You sound really far away, ma’am. Did you drop the phone or something?”

Caller: “No, all I did was open the window… oh!”

(The caller starts laughing hysterically, and I can now hear her clearly.)

Me: “What happened, ma’am?”

Caller: “I was accidentally holding the mouse to my ear instead of the phone!”

________________

Me: “So you want to return the game then, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, and I wanna make sure I’m covered by the warranty.”

Me: “You should be, as you purchased the game within 90 days.”

Customer:“Okay, but let’s say that there are bite marks on the CD. Would the warranty still cover that?”

Me: “…I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “I may have become a little upset when I couldn’t install the game and I might have chewed on the disc a bit…”

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Great to hear that you've enjoyed them :D

Okay, this one deals with the other side of it - the customer's side when he/she calls tech support :lol:

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  • 1 month later...

"I know you'll think I'm crazy, but Elvis keeps crashing my computer," this user tells help desk.

And she's right - when she takes a CD-ROM out of the drive, Elvis starts singing.

It was finally figured out: Apparently, she put an Elvis CD in the drive on top of another CD, and it got stuck on the plunger of the CD-ROM drive. When she took out a CD, Auto-run would start the audio CD (stuck on the plunger), and Elvis started singing!

A manufacturer generates bar codes for different departments, and though no two formats are alike, they all get done, until one manager's sample bar code doesn't scan.

"Even our best scanner beeped back an error," tech says.

So he calls the manager, who admits he created it with a drawing program. "We don't really use bar codes," he confides. "We just thought it would look professional."

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."

He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

"The bottom half of all my printouts are blurry," user complains to support crew. He orders a replacement drum for the printer, but it doesn't help. Neither does a new printer.

So he goes to her desk and asks her to print something. As the paper starts to emerge, she yanks it out of the printer and says, "See what I mean? Look at the bottom of this printout!"

Boss's fast new CD burner needs the right media, so tech assistant asks the office secretary to order some recordable CDs rated at 40X.

"Imagine my surprise later in the day," assistant groans, "to hear the water-cooler discussion about my trying to acquire 40 X-rated CDs for my department!"

I can't connect with the network, remote user tells help desk.

"After several minutes of troubleshooting, it was clear that the problem was the user's modem, which basically died," tech reports.

Impatient user's next question: "Where can I download another modem?"

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Teacher: “I can’t log in. I am using the username our IT guys set up for us.”

Me: “What username are you using?”

Teacher: “First_Lastname.”

Me: “So what is your first and last name?”

Teacher: “Oh…am I supposed to enter my real first and last name separated by an underscore?”

Me: “As opposed to what?”

Teacher: “As opposed to typing ‘First_Lastname’?”

______________________________________________________________

Caller: “Hi, I think there’s a bug on your website. I can’t log into my account”

Me: “Okay, that may be a bug. Let me get some basic information from you. What internet browser are you using?”

Caller: “What’s a browser?”

Me: “That’s what you use to surf the Internet. Popular browsers are Internet Explorer and Firefox.”

Caller: “Oh. I think I’m using Yahoo.”

Me: “That’s a search engine.

Caller: “Ask.com?”

Me: “That’s another search engine. I need to know what browser you use to get to that website.”

Caller: “Oh, I think I know what you mean. I’m using Hotmail.”

(This goes on for about 10 minutes. Eventually, we locate the bug. While I’m writing up the report, I’m making small-talk with the customer.)

Me: “You said you’re in college? What do you study?”

Caller: “Computer science. I’m really good at it!”

________________________________________________________________

Caller: “My Outlook isn’t working anymore. When I put my password in, it doesn’t log me in.”

Me: “Are you able to access your email using web-access for our email system?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

(This is forgivable. Oftentimes, professors don’t know that they can access their work email using a website as well.)

Me: “Okay, well, if you just go to [site.domain.edu] and enter your credentials–”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s the URL of the web access client. Just open your internet browser and type it in–”

Caller: “What’s an internet browser?”

Me: “It’s the program you use to access the internet.”

Caller: “What’s the internet?”

Me: *speechless*

_________________________________________________________________

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, this is Josh. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I installed the purple bird!”

Me: “Purple bird…you mean Pidgin? Yeah, it’s pretty cool. How can I help you with that today?”

Caller: “My buddy list is empty.”

Me: “Maybe none of your friends are online right now?”

Caller: “It doesn’t COME with friends?!”

Me: “No, sir…”

Caller: *click*

_________________________________________________________________

Me: “Thank you for contacting technical support. How can I help you?”

Customer: *whispering* “Can you shut my internet off for four hours?”

Me: “I could disable the port, but may I ask why?”

Customer: *whispering* “My son has been locked in his room since last night and he won’t come out or talk to me. He hasn’t eaten breakfast yet and it’s 3 pm.”

Me: “I suppose I could, however, you will need to call us to re-enable your connection.”

Customer: “Thank you! I don’t know what he’s doing in there on the computer. It’s been like this since we got your internet.”

Me: “Your connection has been disabled. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”

Customer: “No, thank you. I hope he comes out soon!”

___________________________________________________________

Caller: “This darn computer won’t work!”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Caller: “Whenever I click on something, this stupid little hourglass won’t go away!”

Me: “Are you sure it’s not frozen?”

Caller: “You think this is some kind of joke! I don’t leave my computer in the snow!”

(I try to explain several times what the term ‘frozen’ means.)

Caller: “So, how do I heat it up? Never mind! Why do I even call you people? I’ll just stick it in the microwave to heat it up. Thanks for nothing!” *hangs up*

___________________________________________________________

Me: “Thank you for calling [company name] tech support. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *thick inner city accent* “Yeah. Phone don’t work. It’s all like ‘WHAAAAAAT’, and needs to be like ‘YAAYUUUUHHH’.

Me: “What exactly is not working, sir?”

Caller: “My phone.”

Me: “I understand your phone is having issues. What exactly is it doing?”

Caller: *slowly and deliberately* It’s all like ‘WHAAAAAAT’, and needs to be like ‘YAAYUUUUHHH’.

Me: “How about we just exchange the phone?”

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Me: “Can you check the cable from the wall to your router?”

Customer: “What cable?”

Me: “The DSL cable. The one that goes from the phone-outlet in the wall, to the router.”

Customer: “That ‘wall’ you are talking about…is that something you installed for me?”

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  • 2 months later...

This is my favorite one. :D

Caller: “I am a year behind on the current week. How do I close the week?”

Me: “I can help you with that. You go to ‘File’, then ‘Close current week’.”

Caller: “I don’t have ‘File’.”

Me: “Hmm…then you must not have access to this function. Can you log in as the supervisor?”

Caller: “I am logged in as the supervisor.”

Me: “You’re sure you don’t have ‘File’? It should be listed at the top right.”

Caller: “Let me tell you what have. I have ‘File’, ‘View’, ‘Employee’, ‘Period’-”

Me: “That’s it there. Please choose ‘File’.”

Caller: “I don’t have ‘File’.”

Me: “But, you just said you had ‘File’.”

Caller: “No, it’s not there.”

Me: “Please call out what you have again at the top.”

Caller: “I have ‘File’, ‘View’, ‘Emplo’-”

Me: “That’s it. You have ‘File’. Please choose ‘File’ from the top left.”

Caller: *frustrated* “But, I don’t have ‘File’! I already told you!”

Me: *clears throat* “Please read out what you have again. Very…slowly.”

Caller: “Okay. I have ‘File’, Vi-”

Me: “Stop there, please. What was that?”

Caller: “I have Fi-”

Me: “You have ‘File’?”

Caller: “I have ‘File’.”

(I pause, hoping this allows the caller to get it.)

Caller: “Oh, you mean THIS ‘File’!”

Me: *cheerily* “Yes!”

Caller: “I click on this one?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Caller: “Oh, that’s the one! Thank you so much!”

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  • 2 weeks later...

Support employee:

"Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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