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Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer while discussing football and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says,

"Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

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It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day, a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not sus-pect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that is how the United States Gov-ernment is conducting business today.

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So this Yank gets into my black cab the other night.

He hadn't been around London much, so I took him a good route round to show him a few sights.

"What's that?" he asked.

"That's Tower Bridge," I said. "Took 10 years to build."

"Pathetic, we Americans would have built it in a year."

I said nothing and drove on.

"What's that?"

"That's St Paul's Cathedral, mate."

"How long did that take?"

"That took 15 glorious years."

"15 years! We'd have done it in 8 months."

Started to get a bit pissed off at this cheeky Yank twat, but I needed the fare.

"What about that?"

"That's the Tower of London, mate."

"How long?"

"20 years"

"HA! Useless Brits. We'd have built it in 6 months!"

I'd had enough. I drove him, the long way, to Buckingham Palace.

"And what's this then?" he asked.

"Dunno mate. Wasn't there yesterday."

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Nelson Mandela, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a cheque.

Finally Nelson Mandela gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil in-formed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call South Africa anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Nelson Mandela got to call South Africa free. The devil replied, "Since Jacob Zuma became president of South Africa, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: Yelled, "TIGER WOODS". SEE YOU NEXT YEAR !"

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