Jokes 25

[dipper6]

Father O'Brian, a young priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska.

After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

Father O'Brian said "this is a very lonely job and I don't think that I could have made it this long without my Rosary and two martinis each day."

"What?!" Exclaimed the Bishop. "You've taken to drinking? What kind of example is that to set for the community? This doesn't reflect well on the church."

"But the loneliness, I just couldn't stand it. If it weren't for my Rosary and those two martinis a day, I would surely have gone insane."

The Bishop thought a moment, then said "I guess that is understandable considering..."

With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop said, "well, I really shouldn't but... Yes, that would be nice. I think I will, but just this once. "

The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please.

[dipper6]

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she has been reading. If she says "Oh, I was reading that", then she was faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, then she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her personal stereo.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmmmmm you were wonderful", then she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop", then she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

[dipper6]

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter- of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.

A couple of months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

[dipper6]

Funny Book Titles

--------------------

The French Chef -- by Sue Flay

Unemployed -- by Anita Job

Off to Market -- by Tobias A. Pigg

I Lived in Detroit -- by Helen Earth

Inflammation, Please -- by Arthur Itis

Handel's Messiah -- by Ollie Luyah

Downpour! -- by Wayne Dwops

Cloning -- by Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring -- by Lynn O'Leum

Holmes Does it Again -- by Scott Linyard

Home Alone IV -- by Eddie Buddyhome

The Scent of a Man -- by Jim Nasium

Is O. J. Guilty? -- by Howard I. Know

Animal Illnesses -- by Ann Thrax

French Overpopulation -- by Francis Crowded

Fallen Underwear -- by Lucy Lastic

House Construction -- by Bill Jerome Home

Yellow River -- by Iam Ping

Lewis Carroll -- by Alison Wonderland

Leo Tolstoy -- by Warren Peace

The L. A. Lakers Breakfast -- by Kareem O' Wheat

Why Cars Stop -- by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows -- by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger -- by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing -- by Andover Hand

It's Springtime! -- by Theresa Green

No! -- by Kurt Reply

[dipper6]

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmis-sion, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car, and drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions!