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Great Jewish Comedians.....

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Not one single swear word in their


* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my

mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman

for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What

are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?


I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting

it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold

hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the

hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in


bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a

waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the

beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got

a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still

confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I

feel hungry.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man

couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The

Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen,

your check came back.

" Mrs.Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"


Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!


did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's

chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says,

"That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my

ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a

judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost

so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their

wives? They want to.


1. The Harvard School of Medicine did

a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study

revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward

is Not


2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when

life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable

until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't

Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their


4. Q: Have you seen the newest

Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called, 'Debbie Does



Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They

never let anyone finish a sentence!

6. Q: What's a Jewish

American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing


7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how

are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't


in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten

in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to


filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home

from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She


"What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish

husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher


want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband

hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum


10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to

change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in

the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."


Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we


let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a

Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three

days. "

"Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference

between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A: Eventually, the

Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men


A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't


off. (That's a true story on this one... :) )

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