jokes 25

[dipper6]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks,

"What are you doing'"

She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard ladies of the evening there get

paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her

husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."

[dipper6]

"How Does One Get to Heaven - Is it Faith or Works'"

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit'" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a

gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to

leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest

and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his

bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the stuffing out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen'"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[dipper6]

"Spring Fishing"

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the

counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel'"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it

makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and

10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week

for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it

dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind

clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and

reel were on sale for $20.00' How did you get $34.50'"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00

and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[dipper6]

Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jack didn't show up. Tom didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn't know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park bench and -- lo and behold! there sat Jack! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, "For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you'"

"I've been in jail," Jack said, with some embarrassment.

"Jail'" cried Tom. "What in the world for'"

"Well," Jack said, "you know Marilyn , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go'"

"Yeah," said Tom, "I remember her. What about her'"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

"And you were convicted of rape'", asked Tom, stunned.

Jack replied, "No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury."

[dipper6]

The below are all written by children...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY'

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON'

(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED'

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED'

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

[dipper6]

A few Golf Caddy comments . . . . .

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long'"

*****************

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

*****************

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving'"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

*****************

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron'"

Caddy: "Eventually."

*****************

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a

distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch-it's a compass."

*****************

Golfer: "How do you like my game'"

Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

*****************

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.".

[dipper6]

Spontaneous passion.......

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast..

He walks in. She says: "You've got to make love to me, this very moment."

He thinks, 'This is my lucky day' and gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, he asks: "What was that all about'"

She replies: "The egg timer's broken."

[dipper6]

For Smokers:

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that'

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it'

Mabel: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." At which point the pharmacist fainted . . . .

[dipper6]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

[dipper6]

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[dipper6]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours'"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[dipper6]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

[dipper6]

Mental Test:

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home'"

[dipper6]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help

noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you'" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[dipper6]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond man were working on the scaffolding at the 20th floor. When they stopped for luinch, the Irishman opened his box and said - I hate corned beef and cabbage. If I get it for lunch one more time I'll jump!

The Mexican opened his lunch and said - I'm sick of burritoes, if I get them one more time, I'll jump.

The blond man opened his lunch box and exclaimed - If I get baloney sandwiches again, I'll jump.

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunchbox, found corned beef and cabbage again, and jumped. The Mexican found burritos again, so he jumped. The blond man open his lunch up and found baloney sandwiches, so he jumped.

At the funeral, the wailing Irishman's wife said, - if she'd only known he hated corned beef so much, I would have given him something else. The Mexican's wife said - if she'd only known he hated burritos, she would have given him enchiladas.

Then everyone looked at the blonde man's wife, who said - don't look at me, he made his own sandwiches!