jokes 23

[dipper6]

Tom leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed screwing his wife.

Later, back at the bar, Tom tells the bartender the story.

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do'"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hi-tailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure I got time for a couple more beers."

[dipper6]

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need any one," they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing." "We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two cheques, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that," they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."

"Did you get a urine sample'" they asked him. "What's that'" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.

He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets'"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

[dipper6]

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos'"

[dipper6]

Lexophile newsletter

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[dipper6]

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!" she wailed.

"How do you know he was an Idiot'" the detective asked.

"I had to help him!" the girl replied.

[dipper6]

Driving Test

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for every C. Tally up the points and consult the list at bottom of page.

1: Which part of your car wears out most often' a: the wiper blades b: the belts c: the horn

2: Automatic door locks are good for... a: security b: convenience c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in

3: I hate the rain because... a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions b: I answered (a) to question #1 c: I just washed my car

4: Please select the statement that best describes you. a: I have never written in the dust on someone's car b: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car c: I have drawn genitalia in the dust on someone's car

5: The "bright" setting on your headlights is for... a: dark, poorly lit roads b: flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way c: revenge!

6: I have enough power in my car stereo system to... a: get it loud enough to drown out road noise b: get it head banging loud for my Metallica CD c: cause permanent hearing loss to anyone within ten feet

7: How many times have you been pulled over for speeding in the last year' a: zero or one, because I'm generally a safe driver b: two or three, because I've had some unlucky breaks c: before or after they took my license away'

8: What hand gesture do you use most while driving' a: "go ahead" b: "thank you" c: "@#!*&%^!"

9: When a bicyclist is next to you, you should... a: be aware of them b: speed up and get past them c: open the door

10: Your rear view mirror is for... a: watching for approaching cars b: watching for approaching police cars c: checking your hair

11: If you are driving and you begin to feel very sleepy, you should... a: pull off to the side of the road and rest b: stop at the next convenience mart and get a liter of coffee or Mountain Dew c: drive faster

12: The Highway Patrol exists to... a: ensure the safety of all motorists b: issue as many tickets as possible c: keep donut shops in business

13: You are supposed to signal a turn or lane change... a: 50 feet prior b: 25 feet prior c: right after you do it

14: If I had a lot of money, I'd spend it on... a: a minivan b: a really cool sports car or 4-wheeler c: bail

15: The best thing about a chauffeured limousine is... a: I don't have to drive b: I can stretch out, relax, and have a drink c: leaning out the open sunroof and shouting at people.

Scoring The Quiz:

Give yourself one point for every A, two for every B, and three for every C. Tally up the points and consult the list below.

15-24 Points You're a good driver. You watch the speed limit, remain calm, and observe not only the rules of the road, but also the etiquette. And since you drive so safely and so politely, you'll live a long time. Long enough to decelerate with each passing decade until you're one of those old people in a big car, going ten miles under the speed limit in the fast lane and pissing all the rest of us off.

25-35 Points Hey! Joe Average! You're a decent driver without being boring. You get where you're going fast without too much danger. In fact, you're the type of person we all like to ride with... Well, all of us except your mother, because "you're going too fast! Watch out for that car in front of you! You're going to kill us all!"

36-45 Points Remember in driver's education class when they told us to drive defensively' You're the reason.

[dipper6]

IT'S THE LAW

----------------

ALASKA Laws

In Alaska, it is legal to shoot bears. However, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

FLORIDA laws

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday. (But... married women can'')

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Like, who'd wanna')

It is illegal to skateboard without a license. (How'd them 6-y/o's get licenses')

When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.

It is considered an offence to shower naked. (honey, give me your panties... I gotta shower!)

Oral sex is illegal.

You may not kiss your wife's breasts. (But if she is NOT your wife, you can')

DUMB TENNESSEE LAWS

You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.

Hollow logs may not be sold.

Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud female dog that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.

More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.

It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

"Crimes against nature" are prohibited.

Stealing a horse is punishable by hanging.

Driving is not to be done while asleep.

The age of consent is 16, but 12 if the girl is a virgin.

It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.

TENNESSEE, Dyersburg

It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

TENNESSEE, Fayette County

You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.

TENNESSEE, Lenoir City

When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming.

TENNESSEE, Lexington

No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk. Spitting on the sidewalk Is prohibited.

TENNESSEE, Knoxville

In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a "hitching post."

TENNESSEE, Memphis

Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. (Wonder how much they enforce this')

It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.

Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis.

(Passed in 1996) It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners.

It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.

TENNESSEE, Oneida

An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'."

WISCONSIN Laws

One may not camp in a wagon on any public highway or risk a fine of up to ten dollars. (Beats the hell outta Sheraton Hotel bills!)

Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

It is a class A misdemeanour to wave a burning torch around in the air.

The government may not prohibit manual flushed urinals.

Livestock have the right-of-way on public roads.

Junk dealers may not make any business transactions with drunk persons.

The state definition of rape stated that it was a man having sex with a woman he knows not to be his wife. That would mean that women could not be guilty of rape and neither could men who thought they were married to the woman.

It is illegal to kiss on a train.

If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.

It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

WYOMING Laws

All new buildings that cost over $100,000 to build must have 1% of funds spent on art work for the building. (I wonder how many people got arrested for not doing that')

Any person who fails to close a fence is subject to a fine of up to seven hundred and fifty dollars. (What about trick'or treaters who LEAVE people's gates open intentionally')

It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. (I can see the cop with a measuring rule standing nearby watching!)

It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theatre or place of amusement. (Now THAT makes sense!! I can remember in my younger days, wanting to 'bitch-slap' women who wore opera hats to the movies and blocked my view of the screen!)

[dipper6]

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket'" asks one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train. The Kiwis take

their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind

them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He

knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you all going to travel without any ticket'" says one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three

Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the

Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He

knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[dipper6]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full' They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else.

The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles

or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the

small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The

rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for Beer.

[srtools1980y]

1)

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets'"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

2)

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!" she wailed.

"How do you know he was an Idiot'" the detective asked.

"I had to help him!" the girl replied.