Jokes

[srtools1980y]

Meeting:

Quote from a recent meeting:

[srtools1980y]

Tacks Evasion:

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

[srtools1980y]

HR = Arithmatic High RISK

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realised that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase, no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.

The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying, my friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Man: 365 days and some times 366

Manager: how many hours make up a day?

Man: 24 hours

Manager: How long do you work in a day?

Man: 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man: (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager: That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man: 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager: Do you come to work on weekends?

Man: No sir

Manager: How many days are there in years that are weekends?

Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager: Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man: 18 days.

Manager: OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man: 4 days

Manager: Do you work on New Year day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on workers day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Man: 2 days sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on the (National holidays)?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Man: 1-day sir!

Manager: Do you work on Christmas day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Man: None sir!

Manager: So, what are you claiming?

Man: I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP! HR = HIGH RISK

[srtools1980y]

Business Management:

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totalling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,

"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

[srtools1980y]

Senior Partner:

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant. "Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."

"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant. "That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".

The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

[srtools1980y]

Love Letter from HR Manager:

To,

Juliet Grade 7.0 S.M

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!!!!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Regards,

XYZ

[srtools1980y]

Chicken Farming:

A successful entrepreneur decided to spend his retirement life in a village. He moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."