Jokes

[srtools1980y]

Corporate Lesson number one

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[srtools1980y]

Corporate Lesson number two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[srtools1980y]

Notice to Employees

(Includes Part Time Workers)

SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY I

n the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.

The Management

[srtools1980y]

Who's in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an censored.

[srtools1980y]

Blonde at Work

A blonde applied for a job and miraculously got one as a typist.

On the first day, she worked on the computer for almost 15 hours, saved tea and bathroom breaks.

The employer was happy watching her work so hard on the first day but was also a bit confused to see the pile of files being the same and not reduced at all.

He goes to her and asks for the reason for working so hard yet no work being finished.

She innocently replies, "The person who worked here first messed the keyboard as the keys are not in order. I am arranging them alphabetically"

[srtools1980y]

Tickle Me

The blonde was extremely happy that she had gotten a new job at the plant where the Tickle Me Elmo dolls were made.

On her first day, the manager showed her around, took her to the assembly line where she would be working, gave her instructions, and left.

A couple of hours later, he noticed that all the Tickle Me Elmo dolls were coming off the assembly line with a small cloth sack holding two marbles sewed onto the crotch.

He immediately ran over to where the new blonde was working and shouted "That's not what I said! I said to TEST TICKLES!!"

[srtools1980y]

New Office Policy (Effective Immediately)

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci, we will

assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,

so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a

raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and

therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so

that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to

maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time

needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

[mountaintree16]

Blonde at Work

A blonde applied for a job and miraculously got one as a typist.

On the first day, she worked on the computer for almost 15 hours, saved tea and bathroom breaks.

The employer was happy watching her work so hard on the first day but was also a bit confused to see the pile of files being the same and not reduced at all.

He goes to her and asks for the reason for working so hard yet no work being finished.

She innocently replies, "The person who worked here first messed the keyboard as the keys are not in order. I am arranging them alphabetically"

[mountaintree16]

Tickle Me

The blonde was extremely happy that she had gotten a new job at the plant where the Tickle Me Elmo dolls were made.

On her first day, the manager showed her around, took her to the assembly line where she would be working, gave her instructions, and left.

A couple of hours later, he noticed that all the Tickle Me Elmo dolls were coming off the assembly line with a small cloth sack holding two marbles sewed onto the crotch.

He immediately ran over to where the new blonde was working and shouted "That's not what I said! I said to TEST TICKLES!!"