Some Jokes

[dipper6]

These are 2 true events, a writer went to a few USA Police stations and he was given enough to put them in a book.

You could not make these up.

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A man was driving along between towns, there was little traffic, if any.

He ran out of petrol, there was no passing traffic so he to walk to the nearest town, it was 10 miles away.

Off he went, he found a petrol station where he borrowed a can, filled it then paid for it.

He walked the 20 miles, put the petrol in the tank, put the can in the boot, then opened the car door to get in, he then noticed a wheel was missing.

The air was blue for a few minutes, nothing for it but to do walk another 20 miles, that he did.

He bought a new wheel and rolled it to the car. He fitted it on his return.

On getting back into the car he noticed that another wheel was missing. I’ll let you guess how he was feeling then. 40 miles he had already walked and another 20 to do.

Off he went, got the new wheel, walked back to the car.

What do you think happened next.

The car was gone.

I’m very glad I wasn’t in earshot of that one.

Once again back to town and he also had to roll the new wheel back.

He went to the Police Station to report it.

They told him “We brought it in thinking it had been abandoned”

This made a total of 70 miles.

[dipper6]

The 2nd. one.

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A man in some town in the USA.was drunk when he went to bed.

He had trouble in sleeping, he tossed and turned.

In the middle of the night he decided to take his Station Wagon and rob a shop.

He spotted a Car Accessory shop so he stopped, got into the shop, looked around.

Downstairs he spotted a lot of batteries, so he carried them up 2 x 2 untill the station Wagon was full.

He closed the shop door, got into the Wagon, turned the ignition key – NOTHING, the battery was flat.

He was mad, furious so out he got and to the front of the thing he went, ke jicked it, thumped it with his fists and the air was blue.

He woke up a woman who called the Police, they came amn arrested him.

[dipper6]

Canadian wife

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Three men married wives from different countries.

The first man married a woman from China.

He told her that she was to do their dishes and house

cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he

came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that

she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The

first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was

better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the

dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to

keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed,

and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything,

the second day he didn't see anything

but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he

could see a little out of his left eye,

and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[dipper6]

John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife.

He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary. She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.

What do you suggest?"

John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said,

"How about two minutes of silence?"

[dipper6]

An orthodox Jew was worried about his son's gambling and sent him a message to remind him of his religious commitments.

"And don't forget Yom Kippur starts on Sunday."

"Put $50 on it for me, pops," replied the son.

[dipper6]

It was a month after World War 3 had devastated the earth.

Not a human being survived. Indeed a battered and dazed chimpanzee had wandered for weeks through what was left of the smouldering jungle without seeing another living thing.

One day the chimp saw something move behind the rubble. He was delighted to find it was another chimp, and a female at that.

He rushed up and embraced her, but she pushed him away. "No. Don't let's start that all over again," she said.

[dipper6]

The Greek business man went to his favourite tavern in Carlton and was surprised to be served by a Vietnamese waiter who spoke perfect Greek.

When paying his bill to Con the proprietor he raised the point.

" How come the waiter speaks perfect Greek?" he asked Con.

"Ssh! Don't mention it. He thinks it's English."

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'Combine harvester killing'

Man bailed.

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[dipper6]

Every time the doorbell goes, my dog runs for the door.

I don't know why, it's never for him.

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I left my phone at home this morning, I've just nipped home at lunchtime to pick it up and my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying:

"Hi hun, you've left your phone in the kitchen"

What the hell am I still doing with this woman?

[dipper6]

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife."

You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

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(Note == A scouse is a person from Liverpool England)

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My wife's Scouse friend is staying with us at the moment.

She said, "I'm really freaked out by all those blokes hanging round the children's playground."

I said, "We have a name for people like that round these parts: FATHERS."

[dipper6]

Six blokes go on a hunting trip.

Their tents only have room for two men in each.

No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them share with Daryl the whole time, so they decided to take turns. The first bloke to sleep in Daryl's tent comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?' He answers, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was a different bloke's turn.

The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot. His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!' He says, 'Bloody Daryl shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.' The third night was Frank's turn.

Frank was a big, burly, ex-rugby player; a man's man.

The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 'Good morning,' he says cheerfully. His mates can't believe it.

They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?' Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed.

I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

Then he sat up and watched me all night.'

[dipper6]

Gordon Brown the UK PM has just visited the Children's Cancer Ward at Great Ormond Street Hospital.

As if having cancer wasn't bad enough.

[dipper6]

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7,50.

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes $5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me $10 every day, then $7,50 and now only $5. What's the problem?"

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

[dipper6]

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

[dipper6]

LABOUR GOVERNMENT IN THE UK

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost

[dipper6]

Why men drink...

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp

If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you're not, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you're not, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk .

AARRRRGH!