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noknojon

2 jokes to fill in space

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Posted (edited)

Number 1 ..


Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke at what looked like the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said. 'You died in your sleep, Ray."
Ray was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said. "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken".
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad,." Replied Ray the hen. 'But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating." Explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never." Said Ray.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." Says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
He did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>     "Ray, wake up! You S**T the bed, Twice Already !"


Number 2 ...


Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"Ex President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to their house now."
And off they go. At the the new house, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Edited by noknojon

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