April Fools' Anti-Malware Product Ideas

[Amaroq_Starwind]

Does anyone here have ideas for April Fools stuff that's Anti-Malware related? I have a few myself.

A disclaimer: All of these are for entertainment purposes only, and are not meant to be taken seriously. I honestly do not believe that any of these concepts could actually become real products.
Malwarebytes Anti-Qwerty: "Prevent touch-typists from memorizing your passwords by watching your keystrokes! MBAQ randomizes your keyboard layout on every reboot!"
Malwarebytes for Windows ME: "Bringing the legendary protection suite to the most efficient, but least secure, Windows operating system ever made! Without being bogged down by the .NET framework, and written entirely in 32-bit x86 Assembly, Malwarebytes for Windows ME is sure to run on even the lowest-end hardware. What do you mean 'nobody has used Windows ME for nearly two decades'? That's preposterous!"
Malwarebytes Anti-Screenwatcher: "Prevent nosy, annoying coworkers from seeing sensitive information when they look over your shoulder... by replacing all of your system fonts with something unreadable to the average user! Can anyone here read 'Klingon' or  'Aurebesh'? I sure can't."
Malwarebytes Anti-BrainWashing: "The most powerful, and by far the most vulnerable, computer in the world is your own mind. Protect yourself from attacks which aim to directly sabotage the inner workings of your own mind, and use your intelligence and creativity against you!" (Note: MABW has no guarantee to actually protect you from brainwashing. Use at your own risk.)

If anyone else has ideas for April Fools stuff, definitely share them.

[David H. Lipman]

       

      

          

 

[Amaroq_Starwind]

I'm glad to have amused you~ 🦊

[nukecad]

In the same light hearted vein:

Malwarebytes Absolute Protection: "Stop getting infected. - Disconnects/disables all internet connections, disables Bluetooth, disables USB ports, disables card readers, disables CD/DVD/floppy drives, removes all non-Microsoft products (apart from MAP itself), sets every folder/file on your system to Read-Only. - It's Awesome dudes!"

Edited December 5, 2018 by nukecad

[Amaroq_Starwind]

Oh no. Are we back to Serial Ports, Coaxial Modems and PS/2 Input Devices...?

[Amaroq_Starwind]

Malwarebytes 365 Professional Plus:
- Owned by Microsoft, and tied to your Microsoft account.
- Only available through the Windows Store.
- Keeps resetting your default search engine to Bing, and your default web browser to Edge.
- Full of its own security vulnerabilities.
- Advertisements everywhere. The kind that spies on you.
- Cumbersome, user-hostile graphical interface designed to wow you with stunning visuals, except it is somehow still an eyesore.
- Bloated with features that nobody wants.
- Crashes very frequently, and is slow to start up.
- Forced to update once every six months, whether you want it or not.
- Always in beta, whether you agreed to it or not. Updates are never stable, and even the update process will often fail.
- Every update to a single component requires updating the entire application, and every update requires restarting your computer.
- Integrated social networking, except it doesn't work correctly.
- Licenses sometimes fail to activate completely at random, without explanation.
- Extremely slow installer that requires an internet connection at all times, and installs everything at once even if you don't need it.
- Takes up all of your CPU and memory resources, and uses fifty different executables that collectively take up hundreds of megabytes of disk space.
- You have to read the EULA every single time you launch it!
- Deliberately designed to work incorrectly in Virtual Machines and on Wine.
- Requires multiple additional runtimes, but does not come bundled with any of them.
- It's technically free! And also extremely susceptible to phishing.
- Only available for purchase/download between 2019-03-31 23:59 and 2019-04-01 23:59. Don't wait, pre-order now!

[Amaroq_Starwind]

MBOS: Malwarebytes Operating System

MBFE: Malwarebytes File Explorer

MBIB: Malwarebytes Internet Browser

MBRE: Malwarebytes Registry Editor

 

[David H. Lipman]

Malwarebytes Condoms

{ 'Cause Malwarebytes is always trying to stay ahead of Trojans }  

[mountaintree16]

Oh you all crack me up

[Amaroq_Starwind]

MalwareBytes Quantum. Leveraging the power of cloud-based quantum computing, MalwareBytes Quantum actively hunts for zero-day vulnerabilities around the clock to correct them on the fly, and even hunts down Malware authors to give them a taste of their own medicine.