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AMBIGUITY and IDIOSYNCRACIES


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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
 AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRACIES OF ENGLISH:

 

 

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

 

2. ATHEISM IS A "NON-PROPHET" ORGANIZATION.

 

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES ?

 

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY, IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

 

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS ?

 

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP ?

 

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION ?

 

9 IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM ?

 

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL ?"

 

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT ?

 

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES ?

 

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK ?

 

14 WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS ? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM ?

 

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED ?

 

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS ?

 

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY STILL TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT ?

 

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK TELLER MACHINES ?

 

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS ?

 

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD ?

 

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

 

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA ?
                        (This one took me a minute)

 

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY ?

 

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A "CIVIL" WAR ?

 

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO ?

 

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY ?

 

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE ?

 

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT ?

 

29. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS" ?

 

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM ?

 

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM ?

 

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED ?

 

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

 

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY' ? THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND.

 

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  1. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

  2. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

 Whenever someone asks me to babysit, I ask them if their kids are a mean-drunk or a happy-drunk … it gets me out of it every time!

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My husband love to play with word and more so names. In the old Perry Mason show ( TV series ) was a Hamilton Berger and he joked about the shortening of that name to Ham Berger. Today I read to him an article of a Man denied giving his new born son the name Wikkileeks. I think that was in Germany where there is a law you can not give your child a name that may injure them in the future. My husband then said "What if your name was John Doe , could you name your child Dill ? "

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