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MBAM has fixed me up so good, I thought I'd drop in, with a few good jokes for you


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;)

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes

from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her

drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many

years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's nearly perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for

$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold

cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her

not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man

'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the

window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran

through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and

screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the

garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a

torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned

on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, 'The weather out there is

terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want

to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

;)

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