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noknojon

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Everything posted by noknojon

  1. Best joke by a blonde ever!! Yesterday, my tire went flat while I was out. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. Well, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" ............... I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
  2. An older man was on his way back to his car when he was stopped by a game-warden in somewhere in the Northern Algonquin Park with two buckets of fish after returning from a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the old man, “Do you have a license for catching those fish?” The old man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.” “Your pet fish?!” the warden replied with a frown. “Yes, sir. Every day in the evening I take my fish here to the lake so they can swim around for a while in open water. When it's time to go, I whistle and they come swimming back and jump back into their buckets, and then I take em back home.” “That’s a bunch of ***** ! Fish would never do that!” replied the warden in total disbelief. The old man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “You know what, I’ll show you. My pet fish are very well trained.” “O.K. show me, I’ve GOT to see this!” The game warden was really curious now. The old man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited there… After several minutes had gone by, the game warden turned to the old man and said, “Well?” “Well, what?” the old man responded. “When are you going to whistle to call them back?” the game warden prompted. “Call who back?” the old man asked. “Your FISH,” the warden said sternly. “What fish?” the old man asked.
  3. Only Fools and horses !! < What a start to the New Year. 😔 < Today was not a good day and as a result I'm lying here, injured physically and emotionally. < I decided to go horse riding, with the kids something I haven't done in many, many years. 🐴 < It turned out to be a big, make that a "gigantic" mistake !! < I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster. < Before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. < I was so nervous. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. < It wouldn't stop.......... < Thank goodness it eventually did, thanks to Mick the manager at Smyths toys who came out and unplugged the bloody machine. < Only Fools and horses !!
  4. A Lesson Well Learned.. Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing you / them adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button........ Nothing! I was disappointed, but I learned however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 🙄 Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right ?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: 1. A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; 2. A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and 3. A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. 4. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' You are all thinking "What will this fool do now ?" 🤨 What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. Well .... I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer; Notes of caution : - There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative !! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. · My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. · I had no control over the drooling. · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return ! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! rotflmao... 🤪
  5. OK David, another oldie but goodie ... After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in, if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; --------------------------------- 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' >>>>>>>> >>>>>>>> One of the clerks passed out........
  6. Walking the Dog .. (Yes I'm a pest, but some of you enjoy these 🙂 🙂) .. A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left ..... and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!) >>> >>>> The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.
  7. This was sent to me today....too funny not to share with you all! A bit long, but worth it. Too many good bits so Bold is kept to a minimum.. Dear Family, I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what's left over. Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup. Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce. Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with. House Rules: 1. I know that Dallas and the Lions will be playing however, the television stays off during the meal. 2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills. 3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery. 4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it. 5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know. 6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space. 7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car. 8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me. 9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things. 10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you? 11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult. 12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids. 13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above. Love You, Grandma
  8. (OK it keeps me alert these days . . Enjoy . .) Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator, . . ." . . . . . (Thanks to Kev)
  9. I’m sharing this post because I literally laughed till I cried. I’m thinking we all need a laugh these days... Read to the end to get the best laugh; have fun! The Middle Wife' From the point of view of an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher : I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh !' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife... She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew !' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!! 😆 😆
  10. DISTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words; and if there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.. We've all heard about people having "Guts" or "Balls", but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the bottom and having the Balls to say, you're next, chubby. I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking ; there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death. 😆 😆
  11. 1000 People Get Together To Play AC/DC's “Highway to Hell” ... A band with over 1000 members got together in the biggest football arena called Stade de France..... Enjoy ....... Scroll down for the full concert and blow your mind .... 👿 🤘 ♥️♥️ https://countrymusicnation.com/1000-people-get-together-to-play-ac-dcs-highway-to-hell
  12. Bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?” Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too?” “No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s quivering a little..”
  13. THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom suite, and ours was significantly smaller." 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
  14. Fred is 32 years old and he is still single: One day a friend asked. "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied. "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them," His friend thinks for a moment and says. "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother!" A few months later they meet again and his friend says. "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers. "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said. "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied. "My father doesn't like her!"
  15. Not enough "petals" on that leaf ..
  16. Went through Autoruns (I know some don't like it, but I do), also a session with REVO and found some leftovers.. SFC has run twice without fault, but until I upgrade RAM I will not re-do DISM as it can be a "space" thing 🙂 ..
  17. Ran a SFC/SCANNOW without any problems , but it lagged and stopped during a DISM/ONLINE/Health scan @ 57.0% .. No problems with the 3 main forums that I log into (here included) and ebay / and similar sites .. Trouble is it is a Toshiba Satellite and they came with too many pre-installed items that I needed to remove ..
  18. I currently run the upgrade on 4GB RAM, but it is a bit slow.. I have a topic in Bleep Comp Win10 where jenae is helping me get rid of extras.. Next I will get a bit extra RAM in the "old machine" and things will improve greatly .. 4GB is minimal, 6GB is ideal and 8GB is PLENTY ....... Mine runs without problems, plays games, and runs on the Wi-Fi.... (I can even watch "p@^n" without problems) .. ------ You guys should try these things sometimes ---------- Not watching "P", but upgrading smaller systems ........
  19. My Windows7 laptop was not being used as it was outdated and needed upgrading to get decent updates.. So I found this on cnet and followed it, and it was great .. First visit the link below and most advice is the same as listed here .. It is genuine, and treated as "if you missed the upgrade, here it is" https://www.cnet.com/how-to/how-to-download-windows-10-for-free-now-that-windows-7-is-dead/ Windows 10 free download: How to get the upgrade now Microsoft no longer supports Windows 7. If you haven't upgraded to Windows 10 yet, follow these simple steps now. Here's how to get Windows 10 for free, if you're currently running a licensed and activated copy of Windows 7, Windows 8 or Windows 8.1 Home or Pro: Plus all the required updates.. Follow the onsite directions, which are basically the same as listed here, but may include a bit more detail .. 1. Go to the >> Download Windows 10 website << Linked on the site, and includes a Q & A area 2. Under Create Windows 10 installation media, click Download tool now and Run. 3. Choose Upgrade this PC now, assuming this is the only PC you're upgrading. (If you're upgrading a different machine, choose Create installation media for another PC, and save the installation files.) 4. Follow the prompts. 5. When the upgrade is complete, go to Settings Update & Security > Activation, and you should see a digital license for Windows 10. Disable any free 3rd party A/Virus, and while in Settings > Security, make sure Defender is activated.. Keep any Paid A/Virus, but remove other Free versions (Defender will look after you just as good).. If your system has 6 G of RAM this will be plenty to run Windows 10 ..
  20. The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10" The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.” When the old lady wanted to know why ... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.” The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said , “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow? The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000 "Well, please let me have $3000 now", and the teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her Then the old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account. So the moral of this short tale is quite simple ....... Don't try to be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills and always have a few extra seconds to spare ...
  21. HOW TO GET RID OF TELEMARKETERS........ (not just the Asian ones, like I get). 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ” 3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. (This works great if you are male, but is "sexist") Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “ What are you wearing ?” 5. (Alternate, or include with #4.) Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?” 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?” 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “OH MY GOD!” and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “Well I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right ?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” and proceed to hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold for a moment. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer... This works better if they are female and you're male .. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. (Can be included with #4) Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.” 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.... “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?” 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder … louder ! 20. Tell them to talk very s l o w l y , because you want to write every word down, or you will forget what they say, and repeat any offers twice ..
  22. I hope this is still politically correct .. While I seem to be on a win .. This is from the lovely Kimberly 👸 ..
  23. I think I have your turkey bit sorted now . . But what are pumpkins for, to absorb the wine ??
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