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jonoknojon

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  1. Windows Defender Offline, ?? I use Windows Defender and it is always scanning, and has picked up incoming infections.. Do you (your company) use a decent "always active" antivirus tool, or purchase the fully active Malwarebytes version ?? As you seem to be "plagued" by incoming infections, then there are only a few options.. exile360 will correct me if I am wrong, as my Malwarebytes was purchased several years back, and still scans and updates......
  2. Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling ... "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" > > > To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
  3. Men's Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good, so I pasted them here for you..) We always hear ' the rules ' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side These are our rules! Please note.. These are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE ! They are of equal value... 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Men are NOT mind readers 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched... We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that ? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
  4. Thermometer; When you have an 'I Hate My Job day', we all do (Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days).. Try this Out: Stop at your pharmacy And Go to the thermometer section and Purchase A rectal thermometer made By Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this Brand. When You get home, lock your doors, Draw The curtains and disconnect the phone So You will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit In your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the Thermometer. Now, Carefully place it on a table or a surface So That it will not become chipped or broken. Now The fun part begins. 🤡 Take Out the literature from the box and read it Carefully. You Will notice that in small print there is a Statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer Made by Johnson & Johnson Is Personally tested And then Sanitized." Now, Close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in The thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.' HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A&& THAN YOURS ! Remember, If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your Heart.... Maybe You should go and work for Johnson and Johnson ?? Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date !!!
  5. https://www.facebook.com/OClassicoOficial/videos/404442920031002/ House of the rising Sun.. Original
  6. The Kingston Trio............ Green Back Dollar..
  7. Nobody complained about the one above, so try this.. I only Copied / Pasted it, as it was posted by a Texan .... After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy, but they were dirt poor, so even though that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10'. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me'. ''Trust me,' said the doctor, "I birthed most of your children". So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 😷 "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. 🙌 - - - - - - - - This procedure also seems to work in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC. 😄
  8. An elderly man walks into a drug store to buy some Viagra tablets.. He asks "Can you cut them into quarters please." "I can cut them for you" said Dan the pharmacist, "But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection". I'm 96" said the old man, "I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers any more !!" Alright GROAN............................. That's about what I want - (I got in first David) 🤩 😎
  9. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: < < < < 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." .. One of the clerks passed out. Att all females : Please take note, or you could be next ................................
  10. Now I understand what these things are for .......
  11. Paddy was celebrating till he had more than enough ................ Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face. 'Sho*te' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again, 'Sho*te, Sho*te !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi' Jesus... I'm fog*in'' fog*ed,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door. Hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f.in Way. So he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'f... it again and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?" Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was f.in' hissed, but how did you know?' < < < 'Mick phoned !! .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
  12. Texas Sheriff's Exam... A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good.. But we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: :six illegal aliens, six ambulance-chasing lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. "You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?" ........................ I LOVE TEXAS! .................. ❤️
  13. All seems OK again and is still running smoothly. ... Thank you very much for your help. 🤓
  14. THIS IS INCREDIBLE..... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!! Be Careful not to MISS ANY 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Finished? 🤔 Scroll down ....................... < < < < < < < GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's ! It takes so little to amuse old people... Have a great day ! 🔰
  15. http://www.windows93.net/ A small Snow Flakes program for you to run in the background 😍 After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it ! 😎 Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy! The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots! My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm! Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise! My wife apologized for the first time ever today............. She said she's sorry she ever married me! My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason! Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake! Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup! My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!
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