I'm on top of the update issue, so it's definitely not that—I've been a Mac System and Network specialist, among other things, since the very early '90s, so no need to handle me as if I'm a novice. I've definitely got a handle on things… I really appreciate the assist, but it's not the definition updates.
I'm still running OS 10.9.2 on my MacBook (it's a mid-2010, which I don't want to give up because of the 17" monitor), and upgrading ClamXav itself was causing issues with runaway kexts. I downgraded ClamXav and ClamXav Sentry which fixed the issue, but the definitions are still being up